The Blahs of Bras

By Jane Suter

I went shopping for bras today.

Trumped only by swimsuit shopping, this necessity of life is a well-oiled sliding board into fiery torment. I steeled myself for the onslaught of self-loathing and chose 38 prospects to try on. I was going in that dressing room and not coming out until I had wriggled my twins into a perfect match. I had low expectations and a surly attitude. I decided “I’ll pay any price as long as just one fits”.

Guardedly optimistic and viscerally annoyed, I wrestled into each contraption one by one; each with its’ own set of instructions and nuances. By number twenty-seven I was close to surrender. I was desperate for a pick me up and not of the Lycra/elastic/spandex kind.  But I pressed on, fighting through the emotional agony.

To my surprise I found three in a row. Bing, bang, boom: a trifecta of “supporting” garments.  Now I know what you are thinking, there is no earthly way she found THREE that fit. But I’ll tell you, it happened. The stars were aligned in my Ta-Ta constellation and I struck boobie gold! But hold on, it gets better. They were all less than $11.00 EACH. God bless you Marshall’s!

I am pretty sure I knocked over a few older women and a scarf display in my rush to purchase these unmentionables. But mention I will…to my sister, my mom and even the lady at Sheetz. I mean, this kind of thing doesn’t happen every day. To anyone!

So now I am telling YOU. To give you hope where previously none existed. You really can find a bra that fits without breaking the family budget or parting with your sanity! Now, off to buy a swimsuit…

JUST KIDDING! I took my Jimmy Dean sausage body, squeezed it back into my street clothes and went home. Bathing suit buying can wait until I score a Prozac prescription. I will delight, for now, in this marvelous day. Uplifted and secure -- buoyed and bound in white, silky security.
We will surely meet again, oh demon of the torso. Too soon, I fear, as my bras wear out much more quickly than my willingness to replace them. But tonight I will don that snug fitting blouse, throw my shoulders back and take “the girls” out for a spin in their new vehicle. All perky and proud, just like me, on this once-in-a-lifetime day.